We live in a divided world. However much one tries to plug the cultural gap, the cracks would always remain. Thats the way it has been and thats the way it shall be! Point granted, Sachin.

It's not worth the time and energy to prove pre established notions wrong. People in different parts of the world think differently. Rather than being disappointed with this fact its easier to accept it and move on.

Last night, Halloween was both fun and disappointing. Everyone was dressed up beautifully. Eric-the priest; Argyro-the slutty nun; Ujjwal-King Tutankhamen; Adam-the army man; Laura- the sailor; Evan-the Ninja; Nick- the Pirate; Alex- the Steeler fan. Good times.

As a matter of fact, I remember every word, conversation, action etc even if I am drunk. Does that happen to other people too? And thats not good coz people expect you to forget about it. People tell you things which they otherwise would not want you to know. People ask questions they dare not ask casually. They behave in a fashion different from the way they would if you were sobre. Its to do with the stigma society attaches to drunk people. Looking back and thinking about it hurts.

Couple of memorable quotes again from both sides of the fence:

"Man, it does not help being an ass licker to white girls".
-- A white male friend from INI

One day:
"Girls like the chase. If someone says too many good things about me, I would not look at him".

Another day:
"I like it when someone says good things about me. It makes you feel wanted".
--A white female friend on two different occasions

Its difficult understanding people.

The Cat and Mouse Game

"When I want to work, I start ignoring people (Laugh)! I dont like to be available all the times".

Before I jump to what this entry is about, let me share a story. When I was in primary school one of the first lessons I learnt was about the shepherd and his herd of sheep. One fine day in the field, the shepherd started howling, "Tiger! Tiger! Somebody save my sheep." Hearing him, all the villagers came running with their sticks and sickle. Not finding any tiger on the spot, the villagers turned to the shepherd who was laughing his heart out. "Its fine. I was just playing a prank!". A few days later, the shepherd repeated his act. Again, the villagers were disappointed and went back cursing him. One fine day, when the tiger actually came, no villager turned up on hearing the shepherd.

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October 23, 10 pm: I had an amazingly bad day and was standing at Neville street waiting for the elusive state transport bus to turn up and take me to the comforts of my home. The flurries did not make the wait any better. As I braved the snow shaking my hands vigorously, I recalled that Ashley had asked me if the CMU library would be open tonight. I took out my phone and texted her asking what she was upto and if she was at Hunt Library. She was! But she was busy. Thats fine, I wondered. Since I had already been through an exceptionally bad day, it was worth walking to Hunt to say hi.

As I walked in the cold, my fingers froze while constantly texting her on my way. As I reached Hunt, I picked up 'India Today' and went looking for Ashley. After scanning through three floors and not able to locate her, I decided it was high time I got back home. And then I saw her! After the hug, I pulled up a chair besides her, plugged in my iPod, blasted 'Kajrare' into my ears and sat down reading how the Mumbai blast case was solved? Meanwhile, Ashley introduced me to her room mate. First thought: do all the beautiful girls in Pittsburgh stay in the same house?:P. Since Ash was to drop me home now, at about 11:30pm both of us started walking towards her car.

As she dropped me home she promised to call me the next day. This was 15 minutes from my 23rd birthday. Wondering why she did not wish me then and there, I walked away feeling a little weird. "Ask Nicole to call me". Fine! As I knocked on Nicole's apartment, I could hear her talk to someone. But she did not answer the door. Weird! I texted her. Walked into Aditya's place and came out in 5 minutes to my place.

As I took out keys from my jeans and put them on the table, I wondered if I would be with a living soul when it strikes 12. Sachin was in INI and in all probability would not have known it was my birthday. As I sat down with my laptop on the recliner, I gazed thoughtlessly at the Thinkpad starting up slowly- an appropriate end to an aweful day. The machine needed a restart. Just when it was around 11:55, Nicole called. My first instinct was not to answer the call. Yet, I did. Nicole cannot lie to me anymore. She was asking where I was and how my day was? Basically, abstract shit! As I walked to her place and knocked on the door again, she replied saying she could not open the door.

"Why?", I retorted.

"Coz I am naked!".

Looking back now, how did I not say something nasty on hearing that is beyond me. Lol. But I politely asked her to put some clothes on and open the door. I stood outside her place for about three more minutes.

Someone came to the door and was opening it from inside. I walked closer to get in. As the door opened, it was one of those moments when one does not know what to say, do or how to react. It was Ashley!! What was going on? Before my mind could decipher, my eyes saw her standing with a huge cake with many candles burning on top. My brain stopped working by this moment. The eyes saw Nicole standing with a birthday card in one hand and Simon in the other . The ears could hear both of them sing "Happy Birthday to you". I froze and barely managed to smile. I guess this was the first time someone had played such a big prank on me. All my life, its been the other way round. Since the eyes and the ears took most of my processing power, my vocal chords were ordered to 'shut up' for some time.

Thank you both of you. I imagine Ash managed to pull this one off with Nicole the way we did it on her birthday earlier in the week. And in a bigger and better fashion.

I called some of my neighbours to have some of the cake. As I watched them getting acquainted with their other neighbour-Nicole, I felt at peace. This was really the first time someone got a cake for me without me getting to know of it. I felt like the rat who turned the wrong corner this time around and walked straight into the trap set by the cat.

The next evening I got bashed up in INI. Most of the kicks were bearable but the hits with the pool stick have left big marks on my body- which is still hurting very bad. I guess that took off some of my otherwise cheerful and sporting mood.

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October 25 8:25 am: As I walked to my place after a whole night spent at INI, I saw Nicole's car parked in the parkway. I texed her if she would like to have some breakfast. No reply. But I could hear her phone ringing standing outside my place. Feeling tired, I fell asleep on the recliner. Got up in the evening and ran for class. Nicole's place was closed then. Must be in class or something, I wondered. After class, I went running to the gym and was back by around 10 pm. Still Nicole's place was locked and the lights were off. I texed her if everything was fine. No reply. Hmm, that was unusual. She is not the type who would go out on parties on weekdays. And I did not know of any of her plans to visit family. As I walked by a third time, I could hear Simon crying inside.

Post dinner, it was past 11:30 pm in the night and I started worrying for Nicole's safety. I could hear her phone ring at her place. I called Ash to check if she knew where she was? But she confirmed my fears by mentioning that Nicole had not replied to her text either. If Nicole did not reply to me, thats palatable. But not replying to Ash? No way! May be she had left it in there by mistake. But, where was she? Her car was parked in the parkway at the same spot since morning and thats when Ash decided to come over with keys to her place.

"Ujjwal, pray for her".

I was standing outside in the cold wondering if 911 would have to be called soon? I peeped into the car from outside. It seemed fine. I tried knocking on Nicole's door and only Simon replied with his cries. The next 20 minutes were spending walking desparately outside in the lobby. Should I call the emergency number given by the housing management company? Should i call Jon? At that moment, waiting for Ash seemed to be the best idea.

I was still outside apartment 15 when Ash turned up. Getting inside the apartment, I opened the lights tentatively. Thank God, I did not see a body! I was really fearing for the worst when Ash walked into Nicole's bedroom. Would she be just lying there? Had she not woken up since last night? As Ash switched on the light in the bedroom, she found Nicole's cell phone but no sign of Nicole. Simon was excited to see some sign of activity after long. I served him some water. Poor chap must have been alone since I did not know when. Ashley started calling people from Nicole's phone believing they might be knowing where our friend was? Anga did not pick up. Sachin came to ask if there was any progress in the search. Negative. As we were scratching our heads for the next action, someone came up the stairs.

"What are you doing in my apartment?".

I did not even bother answering the question directed towards me. It was Nicole. As I looked at her from top to bottom to see if she was molested/hurt/sick or anything bad in the world had happened to her. She seemed fine. It was past mid night. And there she was walking back easily after freaking the hell out of us. I was a little mad at her. Ash hugged her.

"I was studying in the library! I am just a little late and had forgotten my phone back home".

How simple. I dont even recall correctly what happened next. I was just happy to see her back safe. Ash and her roomie made an exit and I escorted them down. I apologized to Ash for raising a false alarm and thanked her for being there at such a short notice.

"Nicole, I am disappointed in you". I really was. But not with her. It was more to do with the fear factor than anything else. I was still coming to terms with her being safe and sound. A small conversation followed while she had dinner. I had advised her a couple of days back against travelling alone at night without a car. But she still had.

And thats how we come back to the first line of the blog entry. How true!

"The next time you decide to cut yourself off, make sure you tell one of us". I walked out.

The next time I would not bother calling anyone and making a fool of myself post midnight. I guess it's better to leave people alone in this country with their busy schedules. I am not disappointed or bothered but just learning how to react in certain situations and that would involve controlling my 'too-caring-and-involved-in-other's-lives ' Indian instincts. I never seem to strike a balance between caring and disattachment in life. I am a little confused because that's the way I have been since the past 23 years but the past year or so has been a great leveller. Only time will tell if I win this Cat and Mouse game...

Random Blurbs

The last few weeks have been blessed. The more I work hard for school, the more I am liking the work I am doing. Here's a short collection of notable quotes I heard from people during the past month in the cacophony of a fast paced unrelenting race towards chasing one's dream-a masters degree from CMU.

• "Ujjwal, your mind is in the gutter. You are inappropriate": A female friend to me after my first attempt to break ice on a personal issue with a small non veg joke.
• "Your problem is not that you speak too much but rather that you dont know when to stop taking someone's case": My room mate during one of our drinking sessions.
• "YES. I have never had sex. Why would I lie?": A working white male friend during our gel-in period.
  
• "Her name is Nicole Beninati. She is the best thing to have happened in my life when I was at my lowest ebb. She has really been my spritual leader since and taught me so much about female relationships and friendship": Ashley on Nicole during one of the YAM sessions
• "The upshot of it is that...": I have heard this atleast 100 times today. John, my Secure Software team mate, begins EVERY freaking sentence this way. Save me Lord.
• "Please take that blog entry down!": A friend who did not want me to dedicate one of my entries to him.
  
• "He is not ill. He is just excited": Name withheld, referring to the "red rocket" that mammals project on getting "excited" :P
• "Ujjwal, what do you think of Jesus?": Nicole to me. I had an answer which visibly upset her for the rest of the evening.
• "Dont spend too much on wasteful expenditure": My sister asking me to buy her a laptop rather than spending money on the weekends.
• "Dont try to get fresh on me": Ashley on AIM. What's fresh? No! Come on now! I mean, how does one get "fresh" on messenger?
• " I am not sure if I want to take this job": Gaurang, after getting a six figure job offer.
• "Are you kidding me? I am totally single.": Female friend on being asked if she was going out with one of the guys from our department.
• "Would you rather streak across naked in office or be known as the farter at work?": Question from a fun book asked to me.

Last week has been busy. In between shuttling between exams and interviews, I managed to wish Ashley at her place at midnight on her birthday. Of course, she did not know about it and as Nicole and I sang the birthday song for her standing at her door, she danced like a kid. Pure joy. Pure fun. Pure Ash. Trevor gave her an extraordinary card reflecting her life on one peice of paper. The pic that I present here is a crude attempt to emulate one of the many pics present on the card. Its the sperm through which Ashley was conceived in Rome, Italy on February 6, 1984 (ironically enough, Nicole's birthday!). Sachin just pointed out that the idea is a rip off from the movie "Amelie". Cheater! :)
Grandma is back home. She had a minor brain stroke with partial impairment of the left side of her body. She would be needing special medical attention.
Diwali was celebrated in style last evening with a party at Mandeep, Bankim and Suvrat's place. Nice food. Bad music. Good times.
Someone played a prank on me and wrote down nasty stuff on my whiteboard in office signing off with someone else's name. If you are reading this, I know who you are! :)
Swaroop got a second round call from Google. He and Zain got offers from Panasas too. Good going guys.

Got my biggest mid term exam tomorrow. Secure Software. Hopefully, things should be fine!

Tired

54 hours without sleep. 3 exams gone by in between. Watching the screen for more than 26 hours straight now. Lost the only game of pool I played. My team mates do not want to play with me in Halo. Apparently I suck! Yes, I do. I really do. Spare me. I get back home and pour my first drink in what I had planned would be a flood of booze. Just then, phone call from India. Grandma is hospitalized. Cousin meets an almost fatal hospital on her birthday. Am at a loss of words and at the same time numb. John Stewart's 'The Daily Show' is reduced to a noise in the background. No interviews this week anymore and Sachin is going to NY tomorrow. Would be home alone. 10000 miles away from home. God, take care of my loved ones while I get some sleep.

Amen!

Gandhi's hymn in Church

"Hi Ujjwal!

Could help me with a small favor? Folks at my church are singing Gandhi's favorite hymn this Sunday, and they asked me to find a translation by Friday. I found two on the web, and I wanted to know if you agreed with them. Best would be a translation that puts things in terms Westerners can understand (e.g., using spiritual language they're familiar with); since you've been going to church, you have a good grasp of this! Perhaps you know of another translation, or could edit one of the ones above to make a good one? :)

Thanks in advance if you have time to help :-)
Warmly,
~~RK

Really? Wow, that was one heck of an email in between the barrage of work-needs-to-be-done emails all day long. And as expected, it was lost in the stack of marked 'urgent' emails. As I opened my laptop late in the night to check my mail one last time, it struck me that I had not replied to RK ( to preserve the identity of the sender, I prefer not spelling out her name here). I had been singing the hym

"Raghupati Raghav raja Ram, patit pavan Sita Ram Sita Ram Sita Ram, Bhaj pyare tu Sitaram Ishwar Allah tere naam, Saab ko Sanmti de Bhagavan"

since my childhood and had little trouble in translating every word and coming up with a punch five liner of my own.

"He is the great king Ram, the Lord
Cleanser of sins of those who fall
Lets sing in his praise, Sita Ram
Ishwar-Allah are just your names, the Father
Bless us all with equal wisdom, O mighty Lord"

Forgive me, O the creator of the song, because I know I have not done justice to it. Forgive me RK to make some lines from your email public. But I feel great when Westerners want to learn and talk more about Indian culture, people, values and society.

ps: Watched the movie Lage Raho Munnabhai and am not convinced if Gandhigiri is really the way to lead life when its so short and selfish.

FEAR

I never thought I would have to think about the definition of fear until the day someone defined it for me. Fear, for Pastor Rock, is False Estimate of an Apparent Reality. Really? Well, maybe in most circumstances. But unable to think before today what fear really meant, it gave me some stick to define a strange emotion which each and every one of us goes through.

All of us fear the unknown. Strangely enough, depression and sadness too have their roots embedded in fear. Fear is the only thing which can stop man reaching out to God and following his shown path. It is fear which has been the cause of all wars and still man has not learnt how to contain this emotion. I wonder at times- all religions preach that faith in God is a must. Most of them also have some notion of an anti God (Satan in Christianity, Judaism and Islam; Asurs in Hinduism and so on). Is it really fear that is the anti-God within all of us. Come to think of it. All Gods have in some time come to earth as a human incarnation. All these human Gods fought some other human and/or idea. So what made those other humans different? Was it fear? I bet it was. For the Romans it was the fear of losing power and seeing change, for Ravan it was losing prestige by returning Sita to Ram and it has been the same for all religions.

The conclusion I come to after two days of intense thinking and talking to other learned men is that fearing something is akin to going against God. One might think then what is God fearing? Well, English is a funny language and my love for my girlfriend is not the same as my love for eating. Similarly, fearing God is a submissive act to the magnanimity of his presence rather than being afraid of him. It is important to face all our fears head on to lead life as human beings should.

I realize that living life in the service of God is as important as doing well in school. That in the present context would translate to being good to other living beings, being sincere in studies and being thankful to God for everything I have. If I were to be wrong, why would every old person I ever meet talk about God, his path, his blessings and his ways to teach us to be better in every sense of the word?

Are you fearing something in life? Let peace be upon all of us!

The Italian Connection

"Are you trying to catch somebody's internet?"

That was the first thing that came out of her mouth after I said hi to the girl passing by me and looked right back into my Thinkpad. I could not make out if the question was meant to taunt rather than question my act. The clock had just raced ahead into a new Sunday while I was looking up facebook, orkut and other i-want-to-be-noticed networks that are a rage nowadays, trying hard to reply to some of the innumerable messages. Saturday night, one would wonder, being spent scratching hair and killing time.

"Yes. I dont have comcast yet!", I replied back in a defensive tone. My sitting on the steps and her leaning over me did not help matters either. Somehow, I let a I-am-a-crazy-law-abiding-american image intimidate me when I am doing something remotely smelling of unlawful activity. Yet, as I looked towards her, she did not seem to be one who would flip out her mobile and start dialling 911.

As it was time to look up and talk, her eyes were the first thing that hit me . She was somewhere around 5'6" tall, white, blond wearing a cut-to-size black flowing robe suggesting she was coming back from a saturday night completely different from mine. Whoever said that camels can smell water in a desert had got it perfectly right. My parched tongue, deprived of booze that weekend, salivated when my nostrils picked up her beer-loaded-breath.

"Hi. Ujjwal", I spoke extending my hand tentatively towards her.

"Haaiiiii!!! I'm Nicole".

As is the case when I shake hands with most beautiful girls I meet, I never seem to listen to their names. Its a moment when I look into the eyes and all other sensory functions are temporarily disabled. No sound, no smell, no feeling and only the eyes feasting upon a delicacy in slow motion.

A short 'gel-in' conversation followed. As I joked to her about how masters students in information security at CMU are able to hack into 'trivial' things like someone's wireless network, I had already assumed on her being totally non-tech and a party bitch. I had my reasons. She lived alone, was seemingly coming back from a saturday night blast, was young and beautiful and had just invited me over to her place to see her pet cat. Hmm. I know I love pets, but what was she thinking when she asked a complete stranger to walk into her living room at 1 am in the night?

"Would you like to come to church with me tomorrow morning?"

What? Church? This somewhere between 23-24 year old is asking me out to a Church? I probably was to blame for it. I had mentioned that I visit the Church every Sunday. But mornings? That too on a Sunday? Never!! Its funny how opinions change faster than we can track them.

"Sure.", I replied back, already thinking of packing up stuff for the night and bracing myself for a short sleep. But I was somehow looking forward to going with Nicole. I get excited on meeting new and wonderful human beings. But I certainly did not expect her to ask a stranger out to Church that fast. That implied she, like me, loved to meet new people. And suddenly, my first impression of her being the slut-next-door was melting away at the first touch.

Sunday morning was beautiful. It was more to do with me saying hi to the sun that early. The Church atmosphere was electric. I loved the huge gathering, the music, the talk and felt the same sensation I get while meditating. Nicole and a bunch of her Church friends went for lunch. I tagged along.

And there I met Ashley.

"Ashley!! She is the reason I dont feel the need for a boyfriend. She is my best friend". Nicole's face lights up everytime she talks about Ashley. Ash is an amazing lady. Half Italian, like Nicole, she is the closest soul to Nicole.

I sat between Nicole and Ashley, alongwith about 20 others on the table. Ashley and I had a good time talking about Indian food, culture, Kamasutra, life in America and a variety of topics. As Nicole sums it up aptly, "Ashley is the girl whom every guy wants to date".

Beautiful people. Amazing life stories. Young and enthusiastic. Many half-Italians, somehow. And away from the mushy world of encrypted communication over a secure channel between non trusted parties in a PKI based infrastructure. Talking to these people I somehow felt how underprividged undergraduate life at BIT Mesra was. How far far far away from reality people go on doing their business and yet survive.

I see Nicole almost everyday I go home (somehow the schedule is getting the better of me this semester more often than I would like to). She likes the Indian food I cook. She had biryani (chicken based rice), rajma (beans) and dahi (yogurt) the other night with me. As I have spoken more to her, my appreciation for her as a person has increased exponentially. She is a mature girl for her shoes who leads a totally independent and conviction based life on her own. Though she is young and hence a little irrational at times, its great to know someone who is 'typically American' yet a conservative reflecting your thoughts. I go to Church with Nicole on Sundays, time permitting. As for Ashley, I see her in Church. The handshakes have given way to hugs. Nicole's cat, Simon, has grown big enough to jump onto the dining table. In a metaphorical sense, Simon has until now resembled our growing friendship. Its good to have her in life as a friend.

ps 1: I love this pic of Nicole Beninati (the blond) and Ashley Provenzano (with the pan). I love the different thoughts on everyone's face. Its like four different movies being played on a single screen at the same time. Ashley is deep into her thoughts which is rare. Nicole, is simply Nicole!!

ps 2: Any Indian with the slightest knowledge of politics in India would have plenty to say about "The Italian Connection". Ironical enough that a country of more than one billion is unable to find a son/daughter of the soil to lead themselves. Politics make strange bedfellows.