Guest Column (I)

A friend of mine asked me to write about the thanksgiving night get together we had. Great food at Evan's place, bowling thereafter, couple of movies, senti talking, morning breakfast, no sleep and a lot of other things. Too much for a descriptive person like me to write. Hence, I invited him to write an article which I would 'host'. A new concept for me, I should say. This space has been mine and would be mine. But it never hurts to have people jump out from the comments section once in a while and start talking on your front page. So here goes his version of the events..

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We all need mirrors to remind ourselves who we are… I am no different.

So it turns out I have to write some stuff for this friend of mine who wants me to be a “guest writer” on his blog. Hmm… guest writer…not quite my niche, but hey, when has that ever bothered me? One of my favorite movies actually had this line that went like… “Life is a box of chocolates… you never know what you gonna get”. So lets see… here goes something.

One question that naturally comes to mind when we are talking about “guest” writers, is the issue of who the “host” is. Well let’s see... Not too far away lies a big fat guy, with a big fat beard, with a big fat ego, with a big fat mouth and yet a big fat heart, who actually considers me a “bro”! So this other day I am talking to him and make a remark as to how fake he is. Then all hell breaks loose. This sonovabitch turns totally honest (kinda freaked me out). And henceforth follows a very interesting conversation.

Have you ever tried to find the meaning of life, love and religion? If you did try, and didn’t get too far, then you need not worry. Mr. Host has got all the answers! (atleast most of them). So its 2 in the morning, and there are 3 of us trying to figure out what the hell is going on. It turns out, one of us is agnostic, another one atheist, while the other is religious. Holy shit… what a predicament! So here’s the difference in opinion… the atheist thinks God is just another tool to explain the inexplicable, the agnostic thinks God is a means to achieve mental peace through the belief of a concept that is too abstract to be true, while the religious one thinks God is the source of all our feelings, strengths, and life overall. Hmm… that sounds pretty neat. The religious one asks the atheist whether he has ever considered a new approach…in other words…tried to keep some faith in a concept called God. To fully understand the implication of this we really need to get into the atheist’s mind. Here’s how the atheist thinks…if the very premise is non belief in God or any supernatural being, then how can one ever even try to take a different approach. The fact is that it becomes next to impossible to force someone to believe in something that would make the very premise change. If your premise says that the summation of 2 and 2 gives 4, then it becomes pretty damn difficult to convince you to abandon that premise and make you believe that the summation actually gives 5 and not 4. Yeah, sure…one may try…and try…and try… and try till the day he dies…but the premise stays the same… 2+2= 4 != 5. What’s funny is that it is possible to even fool yourself to change the premise, but deep deep down, nothing changes.

Likewise, the atheist asks the religious one whether he would like to consider abandoning God (a different approach)… Now there lies the premise. When the premise is so strong that you base your entire life around it, change is not exactly the easiest option around. So the atheist and religious one hold fort. The agnostic still remains in the ever confusing world of questioning. Is there a God, or is there no God? How the hell does it matter? What matters is that you stick to what you believe in, and don’t force your ideas on others. See, the moment you start forcing an idea on others, it means those ideas and dogmas are at the risk of perishing (and that goes for both sides). For the atheist nothing could be more true than the what Karl Marx had summed up in a beautiful line… “Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, & the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people”. Hmm…opium of the people… you feelin’ high already?

So the conversation moves to other stuff… for instance LOVE. Ok, now…what could possibly be wrong with LOVE?… oh boy… a lot actually. It turns out again that it all depends on the premise itself. Here’s what happened. The agnostic thinks that love is actually a convenience. In other words, there’s no such act which can be described as a selfless act. If X loves Y, it’s because X needs Y. Hence X is selfish. So is love a selfish need? A convenience? What’s amazing is that, this is just one point of view. Here’s another one. The atheist thinks that love is merely a feeling one has no control over. So now we move from selfish needs/convenience to feelings. So are all feelings selfish in nature? That is the real question. What makes those feelings? Here’s the way the agnostic likes to look at it. We all have certain characteristics, features, or qualities. At the same time, we are all are compatible with a certain set of qualities. Think of it as pre-requisites to arouse any feelings whatsoever. The concept is that once those priorities and pre-requisites are met, one eventually starts needing them. It is this state of mind, or feeling that we define as love. Hmm… so after all, love is just not a convenience. It is a feeling aroused simply because some priorities were met. That is how we end up caring for someone. In the process of loving and hence caring for someone, we are actually caring for our own selfish needs. So the atheist quickly points out to the agnostic that this line of thought would only be true if we believe in the philosophy of the self only. Philosophy can predominantly be categorized into 2 types…one where an individual believes in the self and the world around it. The other would be where the individual believes in the self only. What makes this conversation more interesting is that the religious one is actually a person who might believe in the former line of thought (the self and the world) . So here comes the question from religious one… Is it possible to feel love without having any “pre requisites” met? Good point. Is it possible to care for someone without having any selfish needs. It turns out it all depends on the philosophy itself. If you only believe in the self, then the answer is NO. If you believe in the self and the world around it, then the answer is yes. Its just 2 sides to the same coin. Bottom-line is that love is either one of the 2 depending on who you are… for one person love is a feeling with no basic origin or premise, while for the other, love is merely a compromise… and bloody highly overrated.

6 AM… that’s the time. Spent 4 hours listening to people etch out their perspectives, while making my own heard. Neat… time for some tea. So we have Mr. Soon to be drunk wake up from his short lived sleep and order him to make some tea for us. The bitch goes to work immediately and makes some amazing tea. Seriously, I really mean it. Some really nice tea. “He” would make a good wife. What follows next is a flurry of laughter and jokes. Pictures from a recent potluck party are taken out… and there’s not a soul in those pictures who hasn’t been humiliated by Mr. Religious (no pun intended). If only there was some telepathic way by which the cartoons in those pictures could hear what was being said about them!!! Well… too bad…Chomu.

Soon, daylight breaks… and it’s a brand new day. A really interesting day lay ahead of us…

People start their regular “workouts”… some pushups here and there… wait wait wait… hold on…this really deserves another write up… so I guess I will write about this next time…

(to be continued…)

Guest Writer signing off…

With a song… its called Hey God…

Hey God

Hey god, I'm feeling like I'm falling apart.
Yet I have started to believe in myself more this time around.
Hey god, are you trying there, trying just like me?
or do you just look good enough trying to mock me down?
Hey fuck, would you consider this to be my gain?
Is this okay if I try and fuck everything the same?
Bad luck, you counted on me, and this is all you gain, all the pain.
I know, fight back, do nothing and it's all the same.
Hey god, feeling like myself again.
For once, come around and start to feel my pain.
Do you think you could make me hurt anymore?
Do you think I would give a fuck anymore?
Hey fuck, would you consider this to be my gain?
Is this okay if I try and fuck everything the same?
Bad luck, you counted on me, and this is all you gain, all the pain.
I know, fight back, do nothing and it's all the same

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Juggler

You are like a juggler, who has to keep five balls in the air.

Four balls are glass and the fifth is rubber. The glass balls are your family, health, friends and spirit. The rubber ball is your work. If a glass ball falls, it will crack beyond repair. If the rubber ball falls, it will bounce back, if not tomorrow, then in a few months.

Its the myopic view of people which forces them into making work their world. Get out of INI. Throw away the books. Sometimes, let the rubber ball fall. Sometimes, let the soul float!

Almost heaven, west virginia
Blue ridge mountains, shenandoah river
Life is old there, older than the trees
Younger than the mountains, blowing like a breeze

Country roads, take me home
To the place, I be-long
West virginia, mountain momma
Take me home, country roads

All my memories, gather round her
Miners lady, stranger to blue water
Dark and dusty, painted on the sky
Misty taste of moonshine, teardrop in my eye

Country roads, take me home
To the place, I be-long
West virginia, mountain momma
Take me home, country roads

I hear her voice, in the mornin hours she calls to me
The radio reminds me of my home far a-way
And drivin down the road I get a feeling
That I should have been home yesterday, yesterday

Country roads, take me home
To the place, I be-long
West virginia, mountain momma
Take me home, country roads
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Thanksgiving night, 2006: Two men outside the Giant Eagle super store were heard singing this song couple of nights back. Around mid night not many people were to be seen shopping. Still, the two men sang on. Without any care of the world. Probably drunk. Probably happy. Probably sad. Probably just singing for the heck of it. Who knows?

One of them, a tall white blonde, was strumming the acoustic guitar while a brown man with oversized hair stood company. The guitar case was open and, as the norm is, they seemed to be begging for alms.

The look of the brown man is worth describing. Long haired, with sun glasses (in the middle of the night!) and wearing a long red robe capable of easily hiding a gun. His facial hair closely resembled that of a person from the Muslim community. A suspicious cop comes around. Stands close for a moment. The white guy looks into his eyes and half smiles. Reassured, the cop leaves.

Cellphone rings.

"Where are you guys?"

"Giant Eagle!! Come over.."

Within no time, two girls joined them at the 'begging spot'. Three of them sung another song while one of the girls stood guard. Maybe ashamed of such public display of talent. Maybe because 'big' people are not supposed to beg for alms. The first girl threw in a dime as charity!

The two beggars are graduate students at Carnegie Mellon. Both of them probably having a good time after couple of drinks at a party. The brown guy had never begged on the streets before and this seemed to be an ideal setting for him to try something new. One has the option of making pit stops during the great journey called Life. To stop, see, grasp and enjoy the smaller-easier-to-miss events en route to higher posts. Small incidents like these remain embedded in memory, FOREVER.

ps: In order of appearance-->Blonde white man: Evan Wright, Brown man: Ujjwal Moitra, Two girls: Ashley and Nicole.

I have not been able to sleep before 6 am and get up before 3 pm since the past three days.

Watched the annual soft porn movie in CMU, "Lord of the G Strings". I was so tired with life that half way through my hot chocolate I fell asleep. When my friends woke me up and we got out before the movie finished, the girl at the ticket counter asked, " How was the movie?". What does one say to that? And that too when I had barely seen it. "Too much of lesbian stuff! Not my taste". The adjoining table had two chicks distributing condoms to anyone interested. Back in INI, Kumar asked what's a G string in the kitchen infront of a bunch of girls. Hmm..

Attended a wonderful pre thanksgiving dinner hosted by Nicole for me and Jon. I did not know chicken could be cooked with pineapple salsa. Next up, thanksgiving lunch with Evan and family.

Evan, Rio and I stood at Fifth and Morewood for two hours in the middle of the night until the cold forced us into INI. Why? Just chilling, talking about stuff.

Met Trevor. Nice guy. Less than rough on the edges than one would assume.

Went bowling with a bunch of friends last wednesday night. Third in the first round but sucked balls in the second game.

Some anonymous person (from INI?) has been posting sarcastic hate comments on my blog. I will publish the comments only if he/she talks to me.

I like one thing about people in this country. If the dinner is at 7:30 pm, one is not expected to come in before that. If you are running late by more than 10 mins, better inform the host!

New York-ed

November 9, 2006 1:45 pm
La Guardia Airport, New York

“Sir, I hate to interrupt but the direct exposure of your screen to sunlight might not be ideal for the laptop.”

As I took out my iPod earplugs and made myself comfortable on the seat adjacent to a fellow co passenger, I was conscience of the fact that it was an unusually warm November afternoon in New York. The co passenger appreciated my concern and after a small talk on the recent recall of batteries by Dell, he collected his stuff and left for his boarding lounge.

Coming back to New York and its heat, it is a humongous city. It would be perfectly safe to assume that I have never seen anything bigger and dense in all of the past 23 years. I spent the last 50 hours or so in this city of financial firms, arts, fashion, technology and everything imaginable under the sun. Coming for an interview, it can be an overwhelming experience for a small town person like me. All this when I was born and brought up in New Delhi and currently stay in the second largest city in Pennsylvania.

Looking outside the sun lit glass window in terminal C1 right now, I can see jets scramble for parking space and a huge busy airport thereafter. Life in New York can be amazingly similar to Mumbai or Delhi except for the skyscrapers carefully planted within Manhattan. As I look back at the past two days, I just want to get back to Pittsburgh at the earliest. To people I know. To my office in INI. To the Sunday church. To the grueling classes. To wearing the CMU sweatshirt all the time. To LIFE.

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November 7, 2006 12:55 pm
La Guardia Airport, New York

“Hey. Are you from CMU?”

These were my first words on the tarmac to the girl coming out of the plane behind me. My gut somehow told me that I had seen her in CMU sometime. Standing 10 feet away from the cockpit of the plane, I could see her expression change on hearing this question.

“Yeah. Why?”

“Nothing in particular! I believe I’ve seen you in CMU. I ‘m Ujjwal from the INI”.

“Indrani. ISPM”.

Relief was posted all over her face. As the initial skepticism melted away, Citlalli, Indrani and I boarded a cab to Crown Plaza at Time Square.

I had never been to New York before. All of what I had seen was through the media and movies. My enthusiasm on reading familiar signboards of which one listens to since childhood- Brooklyn, Manhattan, Time Square, and Grand Central- was akin to a child on his first picnic. As we approached the river, I saw the Manhattan skyline for real.

“This place is so much like Delhi. I don’t believe this. This is not that impressive at all”.

Indrani looked at me in utter disbelief. She is born and brought up in New Jersey and hence found my comparison hilarious. I did not compare the sky liners to Delhi but the area right across East Side. And even the lower buildings in Manhattan. Apparently, there are many old industries in New York. And I felt as though I was passing through Chirag Dilli and Nehru Place. Blame me for being a Delhi-ite to the core.

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November 7, 2006 2:30 pm
Crown Plaza, New York

Crown Plaza was five star, as expected. It was located 30 seconds by walk from Times Square. As I looked out of my window on the 25^th floor, I had a feeling of content run across my heart. Not intending to sound haughty, I realized that I was the first in my family to look down on the great New York City. The roads were choked, the cabs moving at snail’s pace. Most people walked fast. Time Square had many big billboards constantly displaying ads of biggest of the great companies to dot capitalist America.

I opened my laptop and started working on my telecom submission due later that evening. Yeah, can you take that? In New York for the first time and I had no choice but to work. I was working constantly since the previous night- all night, in the flight and at the airport. It was time to finish it.

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November 7, 2006 5:30 pm
Times Square, New York

“If you stand at Times square for a minute, you would be able to see faces from all nationalities. Feel it and keep your ears open. You would hear majority of the languages spoken across the world”.

My friend from INI smiled at me. She had been to New York and Times Square with Eric before and probably I was sounding a little more-than-usual-excited as we walked on the side way. Most people overtook us in their haste to reach somewhere on time. I strolled as the world passed me. It felt like drinking water from the hose of a fire tanker. Stopping at the middle of Broadway Street, I wondered why it should not be renamed Timeless Square. It just felt great. Boards proclaiming Nasdaq, Yahoo, Ernst and Young, Hard Rock Café and Samsung stood out. I missed my family and promised myself to get them to that place someday soon.

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November 7, 2006 7:30 pm
Croton Reservoir Tavern, New York

“This is the man you should be talking to!”

As Jeffery, a very senior manager introduced me to members of the Advanced Security Centre during the pre night social, he had raised the bar for me before the team. I was tired to socialize and smile too much. Not sleeping the last night and working relentlessly on the submission had not helped matters either. But this was the place where the best consultants in the world had converged. It was both an interesting and humbling experience to meet such experienced people. Later in the evening, I met Varun and Rajat- two high school friends. Everything was perfect. Well, almost! Great school and education-a wonderful job and amazing city-friends from school and by God’s grace everything was fine back home. A thought which I have been nurturing recently flashed my mind again – it was high time I started looking for someone special in life soon to complete the last edge of the self coined “pentagon of happiness”.

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November 8, 2006 2:30 pm
Ernst and Young Global Headquarters, 5 Times Square, New York

“Tell me about one person in your life whom you have met recently and one who impressed you. What measures, if any, did you take to know this person better? Were these measures effective? What qualities of the person were you most attracted towards?”

After the team challenge in the morning, lunch and one round of interview, the second question thrown to me in the second round of interviews completely bamboozled me. As I urged my already tired brain to look for a suitable person and started forming a sketchy genesis of my answer, I hit a roadblock. The only person who had really impressed me in the recent past for whom I made an effort to know more about was Nicole. Considering it was a professional interview I was sitting in, it did not make sense to talk about personal life. The interviewer must have been expecting something from school or the professional world. Hmm..search search search! 1 result found. Nicole. I clicked on the ‘I’m feeling lucky’ icon mentally and still I could not move beyond Nicole. The interviewer’s eyes were fixed on me while I tried to look at the whiteboard behind him and think of something suitable.

I smiled. The other side of the table was cold. The gesture was not reciprocated. I was loosing the grip on the interview. At that moment, I decided I should speak of whoever I could think of.

“Sir, you probably would not be expecting such an answer but I cannot think of anyone else right now matching the question you asked. There is this girl I met some time back...”

“Let’s not discuss anything sexual”.

Cutting me short before I could go on, the interviewer’s remark came without him batting an eyelid. I had been attacked and if I did not defend myself and win this battle, my chances of winning the war seemed dim. And I found it a little strange for him to assume the sexual inclination of my answer.

“Sir, this is completely asexual and has nothing to do with a girl meets boy thing”.

I went on to give him an answer which would have made most people ashamed of presuming something sexual at the mention of a girl. I was not too comfortable discussing that question anyways and we moved onto the next one quickly. I had managed to hold fort!

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November 8, 2006 4:30 pm
Ernst and Young Global Headquarters, 5 Times Square, New York

“There is good news and bad news. The bad news is only for the people of Pittsburgh. Your flights are either cancelled or are running really late”.

All of the CMU people except for one had to stay back for the night. I was happy that the weather had earned me another night at Times Square. It was raining cats and dogs but New York was as busy as ever. It reminded me of the term coined by the Indian media: “The Mumbai Spirit”. People were running at their usual pace albeit holding an umbrella or wearing a rain jacket.

We had dinner at a Pakistani restaurant called Kashmir and headed straight back to the Park Central booked by E and Y. Switching on the TV and making myself comfortable on the spongy bed, the big news was the resignation of the Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld. Frustrated by the slow speed of the wireless internet, I decided to finally call it a day. As the big lights outside the window blinked relentlessly, I snuggled up in the bed sheet bracing myself for another tough month ahead in school.

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November 9, 2006 3:30 pm
La Guardia Airport, New York

As my flight takes off from the runway while I complete this sentence, I can see deep blue water on my left and Manhattan on my right. It’s a clear day with bright sunlight. I wonder where the WTC once stood.

A strange mixture of feelings is trespassing my jungle of thought- how much in life is enough? Having seen New York, I wonder where would I be drawing the line? Although it is way too early in my career, I want to constantly remind myself of my resolve to return to India. The question is: when, where and how? We shall find out…

Why?

• Why do I have to stay away to get close to someone?
• Why are decisions which are meant to bring better things in life always end up being painful?
• Why is it difficult to express myself where I should?
• Why do I spew it 'in-the-face' when I should hold myself back?
• Why is there racism in this world?
• Why is it a big deal to go out with someone from outside my nationality/color/religion?
• Why does being open make one vulnerable to contempt in certain situations?
• Why does going to Church imply that I should believe in Jesus? Or that I am moving away from "my religion"?
• Why am I in a country where I only have work friends?
• Why am I fighting in life and how long would I survive?
• Why am I even writing all this?
  

Best 'In-Love' Song Ever

Look into my eyes - you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart - search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more

Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

Look into your heart - you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am - take my life
I would give it all - I would sacrifice

Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

There's no love - like your love
And no other - could give more love
There's nowhere - unless you're there
All the time - all the way

Oh - you can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for you - I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you

Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you